“Whatever I am, that I want to understand.” – Krishnamurti
We live in a time where we are so bombarded with content that it’s overwhelming. It has become so easy to access the lives of others through posts and reels that it can lead to playing the comparison game- with celebrities, our friends and even people who we don’t even know. We might think to ourselves, “Why can’t I have what they have… look like that… be like that?,” and a feeling of envy might begin to set in.
I’ve been doing a lot of reading and listening lately and this topic presented itself to me in many different ways that I decided to write about it. Envy is a common human emotion; one that I admit I have felt at times.
Envy is one of those emotions that we often try to silence but it tends to creep up quietly. When it does, we may feel ashamed, small, or even a little unpleasant inside- especially when we are aware of it. But what if envy isn’t something to suppress or hide from, instead something to listen to? What if envy is a whisper from the parts of us still waiting to be seen, nurtured, and loved?
Envy as a Signal
Envy is often viewed as a bad emotion to experience. Something to push down, pray away, or deny altogether. But envy, like any emotion, has a message. It often arises not because we’re inherently bitter or ungrateful, but because there’s a longing in us that feels unmet.
Envy says: “I see something beautiful, and I wish I believed I could have it too.”
That wish might be about someone else’s confidence, relationships, body, creativity, or even their wealth. But underneath the longing is often a deeper ache and a feeling that we’re somehow not enough or can’t achieve what we desire.
The Psychology Behind Envy
Psychologically, envy stems from comparison. We measure ourselves against others and feel we come up short. When we see others achieving or embodying something we value, but don’t believe we can attain, we experience envy.
But this reaction is less about the other person and more about our inner landscape.
Envy doesn’t just say, “I want what they have.”
It says, “I don’t believe I can have that.”
Or worse, “I don’t believe I’m worthy of it.”
When We Don’t Love Ourselves
Here’s where the connection to self-love becomes clear. When we’re rooted in self-worth, another person’s shine doesn’t feel like a spotlight on our shortcomings. But when our self-love is fragile or conditional, someone else’s success can feel like evidence that we’re not doing enough, not being enough, or will never be enough.
When we don’t feel secure in who we are:
- We interpret someone’s beauty as our own inadequacy
- We see others’ joy and feel more alone
- We hear someone praised and feel like we’ve fallen into the background
It’s not that we wish them harm. It’s that we secretly fear we’ve been left behind.
Transforming Envy Through Self-Love
The antidote to envy isn’t pretending it doesn’t exist. It’s compassion. Not just toward others, but toward ourselves. Self-love doesn’t make us immune to comparison, but it softens the sting. It allows us to admire someone without collapsing into self-doubt. It turns envy into insight.
“They can shine, and so can I.”
With self-love, we remember that someone else’s gifts don’t cancel out our own. There’s enough beauty, success, joy, and opportunity to go around. We don’t need to compete, we need to connect. When you feel envy, try congratulating the person you admire. Practicing celebration, even when it’s hard, rewires your inner story from scarcity to abundance.
From Comparison to Compassion
If envy shows up for you, as it does for all of us, try meeting it with curiosity instead of judgment.
Here are a few gentle practices that can help:
Ask what envy is trying to show you
- What do I admire in this person?
- What does this reveal about my own desires?
Reframe the comparison
- What if this person is showing me what’s possible for me too?
Affirm your own worth
Try repeating: “There is room for me. I am already enough. My path is unfolding in perfect timing.”
Reflect with honesty
- Where am I not giving myself what I crave from others?
- What’s one step I can take to support my own growth or healing?
Closing Thoughts: Envy as a Mirror
Envy doesn’t make you bad, it makes you human. But it also makes you aware and awareness is a gift. When we approach envy with softness instead of shame, it becomes a mirror showing us where we still long to be seen and valued. It points us toward the parts of ourselves that are still waiting for our own approval, our own tenderness, our own love.
So the next time envy visits, take a breath. Instead of pushing it away, listen to what it’s asking for. Beneath that discomfort might be the beginning of your healing.
“When you find yourself looking at those around you wondering, ‘Why can’t my life be like that?,’ or ‘Why can’t I have that?,’ remember you don’t need anyone’s that to be happy. You need you to be happy. Because that is within you. And if you can’t see you, you’ll never see that.”
~ Najwa Zebian
Author of Welcome Home: A Guide to Building a Home for Your Soul
Additional Reading
Envy Is the Cancer of the Soul
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the calm educator 