Over the years, I’ve had many friendships. Some fleeting, some deeply rooted that have brought calm and joy to my life, and others that taught me lessons I didn’t know I needed. As the saying goes, people come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime, and I’m grateful for the experience of all three. I’ve crossed paths with incredible people, shared countless memories with friends, old and new, and hold close a few that I know are here for the long haul. Recently, I came across a podcast episode that offered some real insight on the end of friendships, and it inspired me to reflect on my own.
I felt compelled to write this post after recalling a long‑standing friendship that unraveled years ago in a single afternoon. One social media post and a few short text exchanges later, and suddenly, years of shared history were over. To be honest, the cracks had been forming for a while; the post just sped up what was already on its way. Looking back, I realize that friendships sometimes drift long before they break, and that moment of rupture is often just the point when both people finally admit, realize, or come to terms with it. That experience, although sudden, yet inevitable, reminded me why it’s worth pausing to consider what really matters when a friendship ends. While my close friend circle is small and one that I hope to keep for a lifetime, here are some things I’ve learned.
Presented by Life Kit with Marisa Franco (source)
Introduction Summary
- Adult friendships require time, effort and attention
- Losing a friendship you’ve invested in can hurt deeply
- Friendship grief is layered and complicated
- Loss of a close friend can feel like losing a part of yourself
Sometimes things just fizzle out
- No one wanted the friendship to end but life gets busy and goes on
- The friendship wasn’t intentionally maintained
- Losing friendships is a normal part of growing and moving through life
Make the unsaid, said
- Friendship conflict is hard
- Small things can accumulate overtime leading to wanting to end the friendship before addressing the problem
- Sooner intervention could save a friendship
- Healthy friendships have mutuality- both parties are thinking about each others needs
- Responsiveness: the degree to which you’re willing to meet someone’s needs
- Wanting to withdraw or contact a friend less is a sign a conversation needs to be had
- Reframe conflict- when a friendship is valued, conflicts will be addressed rather than pulling away
- Having open conflict is linked to deeper intimacy when conflict is done in an empathic way
- Ask a friend what’s going on if you feel they’re pulling away
It’s normal to feel grief
- If things aren’t addressed directly it can trigger ambiguous loss– we can’t process our grief because we don’t understand why it happened (humans are meaning-making people)
- Strategies for being ghosted by a friend:
- Resist internalizing it – “It must be me”
- Remember the great qualities and friendships that you do have
- Trust that not all your friends will hurt you in that same way
- You grieve part of yourself and identity when a friendship ends
- The loss of the person you were in that friend’s company
- Friendships are ambiguous- friends can have different models or expectations than you do
Find ways to express through emotions
- Ask yourself what’s different now with a friendship
- Reflect on how you were or are in that friendship
- Give yourself a fresh perspective when you enter into new friendships without fear or a protective state
- Spend time processing your grief and emotions rather than distracting or disengaging from them
Be kind to yourself along the way
- Don’t view a friendship ending as a template for how others could end
- Acknowledge the beauty in the friendships you do have
- Lean on the friendships that you do have as a reminder for what healthy connection looks like; keep one painful ending from defining how you see all friendships
- Hold onto an image of friendship within the ones that remain that is rooted in the love and care
Resources:
Platonic: How the Science of Attachment Can Help You Make — And Keep — Friends by Marisa Franco
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the calm educator 